quote-seemed familiar

"Maybe something or someone will come along, and...she'll do everything in her power to become the best of herself. Or maybe she won't. Maybe she'll give up, or just do nothing and go on for the rest of her life reexamining the past and being ruled by it, convinced that somehow she's failed and that she's now powerless to change that."
---Deborah Blumenthal "Fat Chance"


When I think of the past year I remember feeling like I was "smiling hard" alot. I had this determination, this belief that I needed to keep going, fake a larger self-confidence than I had, pretend I didn't ever let anything affect me much. In some ways I know it helped, in some ways I lied and maybe....made things last longer that were destined to fail. I once dated a guy who I knew would eventually leave me. But when I woke up, when I went to sleep, most of the time when I was breathing I was thinking of him. He consumed my thoughts and I was going to hold onto him for every minute I had him. Masochistic? Or just taking what I wanted?