LIfe in this my Colorado

So here is how things played out:

I married the man I met in my Jan 14, 2006 entry. Today is his 29th birthday.

I went back to school and became a nurse. I've been one for 3.5 years. There are good days and bad days but for the majority I like being a nurse. I love cancer pts, I love the geriatric, I love also love the psychiatrically geriatric as well.

My favorite memories of being a nurse:
1) I floated to the post op floor one night and I was teaching a patient how to prevent post-op complications like blood clots and pnemonia. I advised her to wear her compression devices, to walk often, and to use her incentive spirometer. She said it was broken. I said okay but let's try it one more time and instructed her on the correct way to use it. After the teaching was done she burst into tears and said this was the longest anyone had spent with her or talked with her since she'd been in the hospital.
2) The night I had a patient have a huge heart attack at 11pm. It was like I was meant to help save him. He didn't call me, I just wanted to check make sure he got back in bed okay and he was clutching his chest. I knew he was having a heart attack before the heart monitor tech called me. I activated the rapid response and rushed him to the cath lab for his 5 stents to be placed at midnight. He called me last summer to say thanks again, he's doing great.
3) Being with cancer patients as they move from denial to anger to acceptance. It's incredible to be a part of.
4) Random unhinged ppl and crazy situations I've been in that make me laugh in retrospect unendingly. The human condition is filled with crazy humor at times. Ppl who try to steal supplies from the ER and when they're told they can't take them, they say "the hell I can't, I paid for em;, the very deaf man who asked why he got a CT of his head and when I screamed it was b/c of confusion, he kept saying, "what? cancer?"; the ninety something woman who was confused from her uti and wouldn't believe me that she had only been in the hospital one day instead of three; and of course all the naked ppl trying to escape.


We moved to Colorado a couple of years ago. We have two beautiful dogs, no kids and no plans to make em. We just bought a beautiful house.

My life has not been without discord. I was diagnosed with diabetes, my mother with ovarian cancer, my father with primary biliary cirrosis advanced enough he is on the transplant list and is now on disability. My husband's grandfather died 2 years ago from complications of leukemia. My mother in law survived uterine cancer.

Life will always have discord and problems but I am home now and filled with love and gratitude for what God has given me.

Same girl, strange land

I hate it here, I hate it! I fell asleep and woke up in a nightmare.

silent white

Ever notice we have so much more to say when we're struggling or when we're unhappy? I finally write another post over 2 years later. Where have I been? What have I done?

I'll be married 2 years in December. I live in Colorado, the world outside is covered in white. The footprints of me running around the yard last night are gone. My husband is asleep upstairs with our 2 dogs, they are the life of me. Our house is large, bright, and beautiful (although we don't own it). I reinvented myself during our courting, trained for a new career, found a way to get what I wanted from life. We've vacationed together in San francisco, chicago, here. I'm into the 2nd job of my career, better money and resources than the first. I'm off 60% of the week, my husband returned to school for his masters and I am providing him with the ability to pursue it, unfettered.
My life is tranquil, lulled. That is not to say that there has not been pain, tradegy some might say. It has taken the form of health as true tragedy always does. My own and my loved ones. I am 28 and although I have never really wanted to have children I do feel the opportunity has been taken from me. Enough to where maybe I should have had my illegitimate children during my wilder days. Although the concept of pregnancy is probably not impossible for me, because of my condition it is something I fear. I fear it would make my condition worse, be dangerous. I worry that my weight even inhibits the possibility, I have enough problems maintaining my cycles as it is (sorry, gross). Like I said, the possibly of not being able to bear children is not a tradegy to me. I do not have a ticking biological clock. My husband is unconcerned. It is more something to think about, I may not always feel so lasseiz-faire about it. Yeah, just like a woman I know, I need something to worry over.

Amnesia

Been awhile since I published. Things are good, busy. Planning a wedding, eating out, watching movies, visiting crazy ppl in the hospital, working a lot, making copies, getting angry about my manager taking my chair, saying i'm going to get carpal tunnel.

Today I realized I can't remember the actual event that killed me and Melanie's friendship. Rest assured it had been dying for awhile but I can't remember exactly what precipitated the end. I rememeber she wasn't at my college graduation. I remember she joined the air force. I remember her and Pam were still talking when we weren't. I remember she called me like a year later and asked me if I was still mad. I remember she was manipulative, always broke, quit all her jobs, promiscious with ppl she met online.

Man, it wasn't that long ago. But it's all fading away.

My Secret

This may seem silly by some ppl's standards but one of the kewlest things I have ever done is get a postcard (secret) I created published in the book, "My Secret". For those who don't know there is a website that started as an art project that posts ppl's secrets that they send in (decorated as postcars sent to a published address) at http://postsecret.blogspot.com. It's one of my favorite websites and I've sent in a few but never had any published. Well the creator also published a few books that include never-seen-on-the-website secrets and mine's in "My Secret". It's the biggest secret I have and only 1 or 2 individuals know it. I don't think I'll ever tell anyone again but damn am I proud of my special little creation. So go check the book out and guess which one's mine.

short update

1) Sometimes I get so nervous in class when I'm taking a test or when I am expected to perform that I'm afraid I'll throw up. Last test my bowl of cereal hit me about 1/3 of the way in and I had to pee so bad I could barely concentrate. I so could have made a B otherwise.

2) I'm addicted to chips, salsa, queso, and chicken quesadillas.

What I have

I pulled my hair up and thought about the things I had. My mind was completely as ease. I had just awoken from dozing in my lover's bed while reading "Rose Madder" for like the 50th time. "Rose Madder" always made me feel extra grateful about my life and every moment passing.

In the place where I live it's magical. People do what they say they will. No one has an alternate agenda. You'll rarely see a person choose an addiction over someone they care about. And people do. Care that is. Genuine interest goes into their every question, soft words of advice, congratulations, or sorrow. There is little blindness at things that are hard to look at. Someone is always opening the door for you. Little old ladies stop any random stranger to ask for directions. When someone decides to build their home by hand someone else is there to help it along.

So where was I going. Oh yes, gratefulness. I don't have everything I want but I have everything I need, for now. My hair is pulled back tall and only a minimum of the many layers is able to wrench itself free from the band's grasp. I have my lover who makes me feel like a magnificent being every day. I have my job where my boss often gives me words of thankfulness for my presence. I have the many organizations I participate in, help run even. I have my family. They bring me coffee in the morning and voice their love, concern, and pride in me so often I'll never forget it. I have a beautiful little struggling elephant eared plant that I worry over daily in hopes that it will increase likelihood of it surving my black thumb. I have a path to a future that will bring me the freedom I need to survive, to exist, to have all the small stupid things that make me eager to start the day so I can find them. Soon I'll have a new name and a home to call my own.

In reality these things are not many when compared to my long years of work, struggle, torture, loyalty and dedication. But right now there is not a single other thing that I ache for. My life is full.