silent white

Ever notice we have so much more to say when we're struggling or when we're unhappy? I finally write another post over 2 years later. Where have I been? What have I done?

I'll be married 2 years in December. I live in Colorado, the world outside is covered in white. The footprints of me running around the yard last night are gone. My husband is asleep upstairs with our 2 dogs, they are the life of me. Our house is large, bright, and beautiful (although we don't own it). I reinvented myself during our courting, trained for a new career, found a way to get what I wanted from life. We've vacationed together in San francisco, chicago, here. I'm into the 2nd job of my career, better money and resources than the first. I'm off 60% of the week, my husband returned to school for his masters and I am providing him with the ability to pursue it, unfettered.
My life is tranquil, lulled. That is not to say that there has not been pain, tradegy some might say. It has taken the form of health as true tragedy always does. My own and my loved ones. I am 28 and although I have never really wanted to have children I do feel the opportunity has been taken from me. Enough to where maybe I should have had my illegitimate children during my wilder days. Although the concept of pregnancy is probably not impossible for me, because of my condition it is something I fear. I fear it would make my condition worse, be dangerous. I worry that my weight even inhibits the possibility, I have enough problems maintaining my cycles as it is (sorry, gross). Like I said, the possibly of not being able to bear children is not a tradegy to me. I do not have a ticking biological clock. My husband is unconcerned. It is more something to think about, I may not always feel so lasseiz-faire about it. Yeah, just like a woman I know, I need something to worry over.