Change comes Suddenly

For all those who know me in rl I'm sure you know things haven't changed for me that much, but then again, hmmm....maybe they have. Sorry, so ambivalent, don't you know all girls' blogs/journals/etc. are ambivalent, indecisive.

EITHER WAY things feel really different. I don't know if it crept up on me or I didn't notice or whatever. I was reading some old diary entries and thinking about everything that has happened to me in the last 2 years and...........I didn't really feel regretful. Again, for all those who know me this is unusual. I tend to let regret hold me, make me want to be catatonic. Why? Fuck if I know. But thinking about all the people I've met and lost, the places I've been to, left (and miss!), the jobs I've had, the places I've lived. God, it has been a damn dramatic year for me. I'll be a quarter of a century old in april, nowhere near where I thought I'd be but......it should be like this. God, I swear I can't believe I'm saying this but this is the way things should be. Everything that has happened should have happened. I feel okay. My life feels white again. This emotion that I'm struggling with, it resembles hope but......it's more like (prepare yourself, cheesey cliche ahead) I know everything's going to be all right. I know that the worst of my life is behind me. That no matter what happens to me from now on I will never be in as shitty a place as I have been. Bad things will happen but nothing will affect me as much ever again. Maybe part of all this can be contributed to holiday mush. Maybe not. All I know is I have the least amount of plans for the holiday season that I've ever had and it feels damn good.

God, I hope I'm not about to die and my life just passed b4 my eyes and I made peace with it. :)