About Last Night

I salsa danced for hours, played some pool, etc. It was a good night overall.

Well, I was going to get into something a little more serious but being too serious has definately been described as one of my major flaws. There are so many things for me to be happy about. I'm sick of investing so much time and energy into wishing that my life was different. That I had a different job, a different home, lived in a different city, that I had different relationships. This is the way my life is, no amount of wishing is worth all the longing and yearning for a life that may never be my own. I still will make strides to get what I want: into graduate school, a job that I love, lifelong friends that will expand my horizons and make me see different viewpoints on life, a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that both appreciates me and needs for me to be around, a sense of accomplishment, knowing that I did something important for someone. I want to love and be loved by the people I surround myself with. Till I get everything I desire I want to stop concentrating so hard on it, stop becoming so disappointed with myself that it hasn't happened yet. It's time to cut my losses.

Things go wrong in life alot, no one's life is a novel or a movie. Sometimes things don't make sense and not everything happens for a reason. You just learn to love the life you have, you make small changes, you stay stable and grounded. Love, Me

So, all these decisions, opportunities.

New people, old friends I neglected for....stupid reasons. Lots of fun, drinks and dancing, festivals and music, being poor and missing home. Wishing.......what? That I would have done something more constructive with the last year of my life? That I'd change my priorities in the future, stop choosing to make certain things a big part of my life instead of discarding them for the flaws that shine through? Here I am, indecisive as ever. I will take more this time.

ENOUGH

DISAPPEAR

BECOME UNBORN


i will begin again

"I told you that I loved you dear
What do you know?
This you weren't prepared to hear...
honey understand
I won't rest in stone all alone
Honey understand, honey understand
I'm all ready to go...
By the way,
I do know why you stayed away
I will keep tongue-tied next time"
---Carbon Leaf

Please let me be at rest with this and not starting feeding an addiction. I don't want to hunger anymore, I need to not want at all. It would be better, safer, and more calming.

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

If I should forget

I am your queen and you are my reluctant king.

My mind betrays me as it always has, first art and tapestries, now friendship and reconcilliations.


I've been dreaming of a new existence, at least I'm trying.

quote-seemed familiar

"Maybe something or someone will come along, and...she'll do everything in her power to become the best of herself. Or maybe she won't. Maybe she'll give up, or just do nothing and go on for the rest of her life reexamining the past and being ruled by it, convinced that somehow she's failed and that she's now powerless to change that."
---Deborah Blumenthal "Fat Chance"


When I think of the past year I remember feeling like I was "smiling hard" alot. I had this determination, this belief that I needed to keep going, fake a larger self-confidence than I had, pretend I didn't ever let anything affect me much. In some ways I know it helped, in some ways I lied and maybe....made things last longer that were destined to fail. I once dated a guy who I knew would eventually leave me. But when I woke up, when I went to sleep, most of the time when I was breathing I was thinking of him. He consumed my thoughts and I was going to hold onto him for every minute I had him. Masochistic? Or just taking what I wanted?

the end is what matters the most, the middle is what matters the least.

When it dies, it doesn't matter what is about, what lessons were learned, what trust you learned to give, what anger you learned to express. There is no situation.

I talk to you there.

"By this time tomorrow I'll be in the bars at Chicago..."

Happy birthday to me.

Already Left

"Better Off Dead" ---New Found Glory

Ash his heart onto the ground
Pull his guts out by frustration
Be careful you might kill him
Just cause he can't hear what you say
Doesn't mean that he's not listening
If you listen to your words
He might like what you say
So you've been going out for years
And I'm sure that you've been happy
Happy with your role
You've been looking up to him
As if you've forgotten of your own life
Forgotten of your own face
Burn and start again
Just cause he can't hear what you say
Doesn't mean that he's not listening
If you listen to your words
HE might like what you say
On my own again
That's what she said
I'm leaving you tomorrow
But she already left
She already left me
She said I'm better off dead
It's your own life
Live it for yourself
It's your own life
Live for your..
.Just cause he can't hear what you say
Doesn't mean that he's not listening
If you listen to your words
He might like what you say
On my own again
That's what she said
I'm leaving you tomorrow
But she already left
She already left me
She said I'm better off dead

my new job

I hate my new job. I am bored out of my mind. It's basically doing public relations for a nonprofit org. Now I remember why I dropped out of Public relations. I stare at a computer for hours and rack my brain to think of something to do that won't put me to sleep. I'd rather be unemployed in my field than do this, I'm rather be waiting tables. What's the polite way to say, "this isn't what I signed on for." I'm following on a few other job leads now.