First Date

I sit down in front of him at the table.

"Oh Fuck," I think. "He's too cute for me." It's the second time I've met him but the first time was in a darkened room. I take in the dark hair, the blue eyes, the smile. "At least he's a little too tall," I think.

When I say too tall, of course, I mean too tall for me. My lineup of choices I've made when it comes to men always puts their height somewhere close to mine. I've never been able to really get into tall men, it never did it for me. I once took a Psych class where they said most women are attracted to taller men because it gives them a sense of being protected. I always thought that I was attracted to men my own height because I wanted a sense of equality more than protection.

So after the initial moment it goes from there. On his lunch hour we further discussed our mutual interest in films, in travel, etc. I talked about studying advertising and wanting to go to San Fran and how jealous I am of my sister who's left the country twice and preparing herself to further her education in another state. He talks about his job in the company that is just starting, his love of road trips, his life in his family as a lapsed Baptist. I'm sure I'm being too enthusiastic throughout the meal. It's my fourth first date in 3 months and the best one so far, the only one that made me really want a second. It's one of those situations where I'm barely eating because I can't stop talking and we have to keep waiting to swallow before we answer. After spending such a long time in a monogamous relationship it's like I can barely remember how to act on a first date, when you really don't know each other.

I try to remember the last time I was truly excited about a date. The last time I liked someone enough before the date to really get excited about seeing them. Allen Clements, I decide. What a disaster the date was but the anticipation was incredible. I remember the warmth in my chest during the date. God, it was an incredible feeling. No matter whether a new friend or nothing at all comes of this it was definately worth the feeling of anticipation throughout the meal, the excitement of talking to someone I'm interested in and hear them talking back to me, hearing me.