Flower Girl

Yellow Carnations.
Just a couple sitting in a vase on my desk. Just a little proof that he's not just in my head, yet another thing to distract me from studying.

Why don't more men give flowers? I've dated plenty and usually it's like trying to get blood from a stone. Flowers don't have to be pricey; you can buy a small bouquet for less than $5 at Wal-mart. It's such an easy way to make a chick happy, such an easy way to make them think of you later. So why no flowers? Too cheesy, takes actual effort, don't want to seem like they're trying to hard, what? Comments anyone? I just remember how hard it was to get flowers from my serious fellas while I could get them from my short-term beaus. It was kinda pathetic.
I'm a sucker for some blooms just like any other female!

Kisses

His lips, his eyes, his hands, his hair.
The way he looked at me, the affection, the way he touched my skin.
The spot where his neck meets his face, at the jaw. Man, I wish I knew a word for that spot.
The power you feel when you kiss someone there, when you tug on their hair.
To be so at ease with someone so easily, no fear just touch and talk and eyes that melt into me. I love when you can kiss someone easily, fast and slow without awkwardness where your mouth doesn't betray you. You slip easily into rhythms with no trepidation, no balking, no awkwardly trying to force or be forced. Just on and on and on....
Time well spent surely.

First Date

I sit down in front of him at the table.

"Oh Fuck," I think. "He's too cute for me." It's the second time I've met him but the first time was in a darkened room. I take in the dark hair, the blue eyes, the smile. "At least he's a little too tall," I think.

When I say too tall, of course, I mean too tall for me. My lineup of choices I've made when it comes to men always puts their height somewhere close to mine. I've never been able to really get into tall men, it never did it for me. I once took a Psych class where they said most women are attracted to taller men because it gives them a sense of being protected. I always thought that I was attracted to men my own height because I wanted a sense of equality more than protection.

So after the initial moment it goes from there. On his lunch hour we further discussed our mutual interest in films, in travel, etc. I talked about studying advertising and wanting to go to San Fran and how jealous I am of my sister who's left the country twice and preparing herself to further her education in another state. He talks about his job in the company that is just starting, his love of road trips, his life in his family as a lapsed Baptist. I'm sure I'm being too enthusiastic throughout the meal. It's my fourth first date in 3 months and the best one so far, the only one that made me really want a second. It's one of those situations where I'm barely eating because I can't stop talking and we have to keep waiting to swallow before we answer. After spending such a long time in a monogamous relationship it's like I can barely remember how to act on a first date, when you really don't know each other.

I try to remember the last time I was truly excited about a date. The last time I liked someone enough before the date to really get excited about seeing them. Allen Clements, I decide. What a disaster the date was but the anticipation was incredible. I remember the warmth in my chest during the date. God, it was an incredible feeling. No matter whether a new friend or nothing at all comes of this it was definately worth the feeling of anticipation throughout the meal, the excitement of talking to someone I'm interested in and hear them talking back to me, hearing me.

Life goes on

So, life goes on. My everydays pass. I wait for them to pass faster.

I wake up. Throw on something sunny and start most of my days at about 6 am. Sometimes the first place I go in the morning is the gym. I either do cardio for an hour (elliptical machine, bike, and treadmill) or weights (all weight machines). I feel great after. Steam room, shower, move on. Go thr0ugh the rest of my day, hang out with family and friends. Enjoy myself. I stop thinking about where I've been and think about where I'm going. I edit my memories. I look forward to little things, think about the people closest to me, the most fun things I can do in this world. The days pass, life goes on.